I worked with a directee in his fifties, who died a number of years ago. His story still haunts me.
The son of a demanding perfectionist who found it hard to accept his son and affirm him had built a life calculated to win his father’s approval. When, in mid-life, a tragic industrial accident robbed him of his ability to go on working, he found himself face to face with the hidden agenda of his adult life — the desire to hear his father say, “I am proud of you. I love you.”
Painfully, he unpacked the realization that the choices he had made were shaped by the desire to hear those words. “You know,” he said, “I’ve done a lot of adult things in my life, but I’ve been waiting for permission all along.”
There are times in life when it is important to stop waiting for permission. There are times when it becomes clear that the people we love are not capable of giving us what should be their gift. There is a time to grieve the fact that they cannot do that for us and then move on.
To be trapped, “waiting for permission,” does nothing to remediate the loss. Give the loss to God. Ask God to keep safe that loss. Ask God to heal that persons wounds and your own. Then move on.
Live, make choices like an adult, own your life in God’s presence — with grace, wisdom, and freedom. You may bear the scars of having been denied gifts that you should have received. You may not have heard the words, “I am proud of you and I love you.”
Your father or mother may have failed to model behavior for you that would have prepared you to give the same gift to your own children in return. These are losses to be named and grieved. But don’t wait for permission.
If you learn to live without waiting for permission, you will have he chance to learn from your loss. You will avoid forcing someone else to have the same experience. And you will model an approach to life marked by a capacity for growth and wisdom.
There are times between the cradle and the grave when that is the only gift that we can wring from our losses. But even if it is bittersweet and hard-won, it is still a gift worth giving.
Yes to all blogged with one caveat. Sometimes we need to ask for what we need. That doesn’t necessarily mean we will receive that love or permission or approval that we are communicating to another that we need. However, to live a more healthy relationship with another is to share our needs and in turn hone our listening skills for what others need from us (i.e. love, approval, confirmation of their self approval – is that authentication?) and being courageous enough to meet those needs.
My parents are still alive. I still have the opportunity to broaden our relationship by teaching them new behavior(s) of better relating to others in general by listening and risking new emotional relational gifts such as giving permission to another (if that is needed), approval/pride in another’s endeavors (it doesn’t diminish what you have accomplished), or just plain old love (it’s not a finite resource). The same teaching is reciprocated to and from the children of our family(third generation) and laterally to and from siblings, etc…
Maybe by asking for what you need, you are actually stretching each other’s boundaries and providing an opportunity to deepen an ongoing/existing relationship not only for the two of you but so that you and that other person can then apply newly learned communication techniques to other relationships.
Isn’t that what the journey is all about? Growing, changing and continuing to stretch boundaries into spaces/places that are healthy but maybe not yet experienced via communicating your needs? Hmmmm… just a thought.
So, ask first and if no response, stop waiting!? Maybe?