Yesterday I said we all have needs.
There are, however, people who don’t think they have needs.
Some of them are islands — even continents — to themselves. (Or so they think.) Self-sufficient, all-knowing, sovereign —- and in denial.
These are people who have never stopped to acknowledge the God who gave them life, the mother have gave them birth, the parents who clothed and sheltered them, the farmers who grow the food they eat, the people who wired their homes, installed the plumbing, invented the electric light bulb, air conditioned their offices (or in the case of Dallas, an entire city), developed systems to ferry water to their bathroom —- I could go on and on and on, but you get the point. The person who has no needs is clueless and, if not clueless, willfully, arrogantly out of touch with reality.
There are other people who won’t acknowledge their needs.
Some of them are embarrassed to find out that they have them. They are convinced that it makes them inferior. These are people who are convinced that life is a contest.
Some of them think that they are wrong to have needs. These are the people who think that the beauty of God’s creation in all of its manifestations is one giant test designed to demonstrate how sinful they are. They don’t smoke, drink, eat, or make love. They live a parsimonious, low-fat, turkey-and-soybeans-can-be-made-into-anything life.
Some don’t think they deserve to have needs. Who are they, anyway? Typically, they are married to people who are clear about their needs. They work for institutions that have a long list of needs. And they are constantly asking, “Isn’t there someone with bigger needs? Wasn’t there someone already in line?” Generally speaking, these poor folks are so co-dependent, they could walk past a fireplug and wonder how much pain it must experience.
Others won’t acknowledge their needs because they are conflict averse. Perennial peacekeepers, they mistake the absence of conflict for healthy relationships. All they are sure of is that to say, “I have a need,” will start a debate that will embroil them in conflict and they just can’t stand it. So they live in relationships where someone else makes all the really decisive decisions. Those folks, like the last group, are usually co-dependent and, more often, than not, they carry both crosses.
As my spiritual director once told me, “They need to get off the cross. We need the firewood.”
Why this is a spiritual problem tomorrow….
This is a very good analysis. Thank you, Father. I wonder though why your spiritual director uses the word “cross.” I have a problem with using “cross” in superficial ways and in fact in ways that have nothing to do with the “cross.”
I understand that the cross is the symbol of sacrifice, but it is such a powerful and universally efficacious symbol of Christ and his work. I hear people constantly referring to their problems and how they are at the foot of the cross or carrying their crosses and think to myself,” Really?”
Actually, I don’t think that my director is using the image in a superficial way at all — but in a deeply provocative way meant to challenge. People who refuse to acknowledge their needs fail to acknowledge their creatureliness. There can be a great deal of false humility in apparent self-denial.