Among the things that undermine many marriages, one of the unnamed corrosives is the set of assumptions we bring to the relationship.
Men, for example, often assume that if they are effective wage earners, then their only responsibilities revolve around sex and the car battery. They set aside responsibility for nurturing intimacy, helping with domestic tasks, and child rearing.
I have even heard men talk about the “deals” they have struck with their wives in the effort to define what they will and won’t do. The language is telling and if you are dating someone who uses that kind of language, run, don’t walk — unless you are more interested in mergers and on-going turf wars.
You can’t nurture Intimacy by drawing lines and defining responsibilities. You can only nurture it by sharing vulnerably and freely with someone else.
Freely sharing the low times is another of the parts of a marriage that can ruin a relationship. Being there when the times are the roughest can make or break a marriage. Some of the best intimacy building moments are when the call comes that a loved one has passed away, or when your children are needing guidance and support. At times like these, you can feel Christ’s arms enfolding you, just as you can feel the arms of your loved one around you.
I have often written about my husband who now resides in heaven. We had one of those God-like marriages. It was in common terms like a fairy tale. He was the one sent to me by the Holy Spirit with all that I needed to make me complete and I, in turn, was the greatest person in his life outside of Jesus (that was always what he said). Bill was better at showing his love than me, I think. He had six children and had raised them all by himself. He had known deep poverty. Anyone who knew Bill always thought of him as a perfect man. He was almost perfect – almost – because we all know there is only One who is Perfect and that is Jesus. When Jesus said “be perfect as my Father in heaven is perfect” Bill was perfect (complete). Bill was so full of Jesus and the Holy Spirit and his ways so gentle, meak and mild that being good was just him. In all our years together I never received one complaint from him. He thought I was the greatest cook which could hardly have been true but it was to him. He came from a family of 9 children – he being the youngest. All spoke so highly of their mother and especially how she could cook. They never said one unkind word about her which is amazing and they all said Bill was the most like her in his nature. He was unselfish and sacrificial almost to a fault. He took life seriously and deeply but had a light-hearted nature and didn’t get “strung out” on stuff. He was first and foremost a deeply spiritual man. Not an in your face type (like me) but quietly lived out his faith. He had a gift of faith which would come through when every door was shut and somehow a door would open. We enjoyed reading the Scriptures together – almost every day – and praying together. It was divine to hear Bill pray. His prayers were mostly short but he could say it all in such a few words. Yes, living with Bill was heavenly yet we were natural in our most intimate times in much gusto! He was always himself. He helped me be at peace with being myself. He was a rather quiet man but definitely had sparkle and humor. His arms were the safest place for me to be. People never ceased to comment that we were still holding hands or that Bill had his arm around me when they saw us in airports, grocery stores, church, etc. Neither of us could hardly sleep when we had to be apart for a night/s. He sensed when I needed a lift and either came through the door with flowers and a greeting card with the most intimate and dear words; sometimes they were funny with creative little drawings. We never tired of each other – really! When he left his job after 51 years I thought we would need space from each other but it actually even made our love-life better because we didn’t have to be bothered with schedules other than the ones we set for ourselves. And we certainly had more opportunity to travel. Bill was present with me and I mean very present in the most real way in my greatest distresses and I had some real bad ones. He walked every inch with me.
Well, I could go on and on, but needless to say, there were never any turf wars between us. He washed dishes, vacuumed the floors, cleaned bathrooms, washed my car and keep the gas tank full. He ran chores. He keep the books. He helped with my aging mother and is the reason she could remain in her home almost to the end of her life because he was a handy man and loved helping her and loved her. He even enjoyed taking her to the beauty shop! to the doctor’s office, handling her medicines when she could no longer do it herself. He would stop by on his way to work out just to put her eye drops in and on his way back home. It sounds like he was a sissy but far from it. He worked out all of his life – at least from the time he was 16 years old and up till three week before he died. He always keep the same weight his whole life. No glutony for him yet he never criticized me when I was overweight. He truly was a man’s man – whatever that term means. He was very manly and sexy.
With that I’ve got to stop! If it could happen to us it can happen for anyone. We met when we were older. We met at a gathering of 500 people. That’s another story. God wanted us together and I want to be with Bill now and everyday but until then I wait and try my best to do God’s will and discern what it may be for me each day. He finishing our mansion right now and told me heaven would not be complete until I arrived to be with him. His every thought for 6 months on hospice was for me. He was brave and never complained about his illness. He only said it was intolerable for him for us to be seperated. But we are not separated – really! He is in Jesus and so am I. Just a breath away.
God’s blessings
Carol Lawson